Someone asked me to post a message, warning people not to offer drinks to sober people on New Years Eve. While I think the message is a good one, and I am happy the person asked me, I actually would suggest something else.
Because we can’t control people. Only ourselves. Sure, it would be nice if people didn’t offer us drinks, but I am often around friends who just plain forget I’m sober. They don’t mean anything by it. I am fortunate that when I got sober, there were only two people I knew who resented it and repeatedly and purposefully offered me alcohol and would say things like, “Are you still being good?” while sliding a glass of wine towards me. A glass of wine I didn’t touch. These people are very few and far between. Most people are either very supportive and encouraging when you get sober, or they don’t care either way, which is great.
So sometimes friends forget I’m sober and offer me a drink as a kindness. They aren’t trying to hurt me! I also work around alcohol every week as part of one of my gig jobs. I get offered booze regularly. And my husband, who is also sober, is a musician who gets offered booze at almost all of his shows. Sometimes people at his shows even offer me drinks. It’s meant as a kindness. It’s nothing to take offense over.
And so, I have cultivated a number of responses. I would suggest anyone who is newly sober have a pocket full of things to say when offered. Here are some of mine, if you want to take any:
No thanks, I don’t drink.
“Why?”
Because I’m an alcoholic. (This usually gets a laugh actually, because I just say it so matter of factly.)
Because I’m allergic. (This one also gets a laugh.)
Because I already finished drinking. I reached the end. I’m faster than most.
No thanks, I used to be a professional drinker but I’m in retirement.
If I could drink like a normal person I’d join you! But no thanks. I gave that up.
No thanks, I don’t drink anymore but I’ll take a fancy mocktail if you have one!
No thanks; I don’t drink. I’ve had enough wine for many lifetimes!
No thanks, sober four years now and counting. But enjoy!! And thank you!
Sometimes when I give one of these answers, especially at my alcohol-related job, someone ends up pulling me aside later and telling me they want to quit and they want to know what I did. I have had that talk with probably two dozen people now who I wouldn’t otherwise have had it with. I know of two of them who got sober. I don’t know about the others. Most are strangers I only see that one time because of my job. And how amazing is that? Maybe you will end up having a conversation with someone who needs help, or just needs to know someone else who has quit, and you wouldn’t be able to be there at the right time and the right place if you were afraid to tell people you’re sober. You don’t have anything to be ashamed of for not drinking. It’s the opposite, actually. So don’t be embarrassed to tell people like it’s no big deal. Its just the way it is for you. And for me. I am happy for my friends who can drink, and love to see them enjoying alcohol; I just can’t join them.
The other thing I’d suggest for newly sober people is to create new New Year’s traditions. My husband and I got sober together. Now we go to bed early every New Year’s Eve so we can do a sunrise hike on New Year’s Day. (Except for one year when we had to do a sunrise walk to ‘poop park’ in Lubbock because there are no hills there. But that’s another story.) Getting to see the first sunrise of each new year is special now. And it’s not because I stayed up all night drinking! Ha! If you are newly sober I would avoid parties where the sole intent and activity is to drink. If the main purpose is drinking, you don’t belong there when so freshly sober. Why not go bowling with a sober friend? Or stay home and make a homemade pasta? Or get dressed up in your fancy New Years outfit and do a fun photoshoot with a friend?
It’s also a good rule of thumb to stay away from non-alcoholic beers and non-alcoholic wines and spirits until you are further along (or maybe never try them at all). Sometimes when people first get sober they try to replace the alcohol with non-alcoholic beer and they end up just nursing the habit until they relapse. They suck them down like they have alcohol in them, several at a time, until they finally need the real thing again. I did this once, in one of my failed quitting attempts. I would avoid this when you first get sober, so you don’t have to learn the hard way, like I did.
Instead I would suggest sparkling apple juice or grape juice. It tastes nothing like wine so you are not feeding the demon that craves wine (if wine was your thing). But it’s fizzy and fun and it feels special to mark an occasion like New Years with something fizzy. I will also sometimes have a mocktail if I am out for a special dinner. You will find that most bartenders actually like the challenge of making you something delicious and unique. I ask them to make me their best mocktail, and surprise me, just no alcohol. I have gotten to try so many different tasty drinks this way. Now that I am further along, I have also found that I can have a non-alcoholic beer or non-alcoholic wine for a special occasion, like when we were in Germany at beer halls with friends. In Germany they are zero percent alcohol, and they taste amazing. But because they don’t get you drunk (and you’re not just replacing your daily alcohol habit with them) you get full after one and are done. I don’t suggest this for everyone. It depends on the person - only you know if this would open the floodgates for you or not.
Finally, one thing I like to do ahead of New Years is to come up with a list of things to do and NOT do on New Years Day. This arose from an old superstition I heard when I was a kid, that says that anything you spend time doing on New Years Day is something you will spend a lot of time doing for the rest of the year. Even if you don’t believe in superstitions (I don’t), this is a meaningful ritual to do every year because it creates intentions for you for the rest of the year. It helps me mark to passage of time and think about how I want to spend the next year.
Here are some things you might like to put on your list for this New Year’s Day: Go on a Sunrise Hike, Write Something, Read Something, Learn One New Thing, Laugh, Sing, Play Music, Cook Something Delicious. You can also make a list of things you don’t want to do on New Year’s Day, because you want to quit them this year or at least do less of them (alcohol, smoking, gambling, porn, sugar, fast food, seed oils, etc).
Whatever you do this New Years, I hope it’s a joyful and memorable one for you. If you’re sober, keep working it, and if you’re not sober and you read this far; thank you for your patience with an essay about sobriety. Happy New Year lovely souls!
“My lips shall greatly rejoice when I sing unto thee; and my soul, which thou hast redeemed.” Psalm 71:23
Such valuable advice and compassionate perspective, Keri! Blessings for continued peace and sobriety. I’m keeping this for a time I can share with a loved one ❤️
Thank you Keri for your wise words and very helpful suggestions. Having been sober for over 40 years now (I had to stop and count out the years) your words took me back to those early challenges of newly formed sobriety. I was raised in a small rural community in Alberta Canada where my wife and I farmed. Alcohol consumption was a main stay of community life and central in my family of origin. When I became a Christian and quit drinking my community life changed drastically. For the first few years I felt like an outsider. Negotiating my new sense of being was a difficult journey but a joyous one. Suggestions that you have offered are very helpful hooks to hang your hat on as one negotiates new paths of being.