How to Talk With People Who Disagree With You
Last night on Deprogrammed I tried something a little different. I talked with Hunter Avallone, a YouTuber who says he has moved from the right to the left, in an attempt to first judge his sincerity and secondly to find out where we overlap, if at all. I have a lot of conversations like this off camera, with people who don't agree with me or sometimes don't even understand my opinions (or vice versa). In the end I think the talk with Hunter proved to be a good demonstration of HOW to have a conversation with someone who disagrees with you, without it resorting to name-calling or trying to "win" something. Of course, in order to do that, the other person has to be willing as well, and I'm grateful that Hunter was open, civil and seemed genuinely interested in the conversation. We ended up agreeing on more than I thought we would, and on the places we didn’t, I think we came to at least understand each other better- which is the point of any of these kinds of talks.
(You’ll have to skip ahead to 29:15 for the beginning of the conversation, unless you want to hear talk about cowboy boots and watch my power go out, LOL). I know this won't appeal to people who like "debates." I don't enjoy participating in debates, though I do enjoy watching those who are talented at it. This is simply a conversation, and it unfolded like most of mine do when offline.
A few of the things I try to do when talking with someone who disagrees:
1 - Assume good faith and sincerity until they give you a reason not to do so. Plenty of people told me not to talk to Hunter. They called him a grifter and said he's not sincere. I couldn’t make that determination based on the little I knew about him and the few videos I watched, but he came off as sincere in his messages so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he did the same with me. Maybe he had people telling him the same thing about me. Who knows. In any case, I have found that if you treat people as if they are sincere - sometimes you can manage to pull some realness out of even the most unconscious person. That soul-touching-soul moment. Maybe you have had these kinds of moments and know what I’m talking about. Maybe you’ll laugh that I believe we have a soul. It’s ok.
2 - Ask them questions that get them talking about their beliefs with a genuine interest in what they are saying.
No one likes it when they can tell you are just waiting for your moment to speak (this reminds me of Brian Regan’s “I walked on the moon,” LOL). So don’t do it to others. Listen to what they’re saying so that when you respond it will be about something you’re genuinely interested in understanding better or about something you think they might be interested in based on what they’ve been saying. If you’re having this kind of conversation online, try not to let yourself be distracted by the chat or other things going on. It’s robbing you of your attention and ability to truly listen. This is obviously easier when it’s in person and you don’t have these distractions.
3 - Try to find your points of agreement and highlight what those are.
The most interesting part of any conversation about disagreement, in my opinion, is tracing everything back to foundational beliefs and identifying where we agree. If you find large or small things that you agree on, make note of them. You’ll probably realize you agree on more than you thought you would.
4 - Identify the root of your disagreement.
Once you’ve found out where you agree, it’s easier to identify the root of your agreement. For example, you might agree on policies that do the least amount of harm, but disagree on *which* policies those are.
5 - Show grace if they attack you - up to a point.
This one is hard. I don’t always succeed at it, but on the occasions I do I find that it’s similar to going to the gym. You’re exercising grace by simply trying it out. I don’t think anyone should let themselves be treated like a doormat, and I don’t recommend tolerating abuse or repeated name-calling or hostility; I usually end the conversation if it gets that far. That’s when they’ve given me a reason not to assume good faith. But the first time they insult you? Try responding as if you didn’t even hear the insult or attack. Try responding in sincerity, as if they are doing the same. Sometimes that kind of gracious response is enough to snap someone out of bad behavior. If it’s not, I usually end the conversation after attacks are repeated.
6 - Don’t try to “win.”
A conversation is not a debate. You don’t have to stomp away victorious, because the goal is not to “win” anything. It’s not even to bring them around to your point of view necessarily; it’s just to understand them better and attempt to make yourself understood. I recall Dr. Jordan Peterson talking a while ago (and forgive me; I can’t find the quote) about how the best conversations are very very rare, and how in these kinds of conversations maybe a piece of you or your beliefs dies, or is strengthened or transformed. Not every conversation you have with someone of differing beliefs is going to be like this, and maybe most won’t be, but you can always aim towards it as a goal, rather than “winning.”