Before and After. On the left are some photos with my former heroes, taken in 2004. I was startled when I saw them recently because I looked so different then. Maybe not in physical appearance, but I can see a little of what was inside me on the outside there.
I was not real then. As the Skin Horse tells the Velveteen Rabbit, “When you are real, you do not mind being hurt.” I cared too much about avoiding being hurt back then. I cared what people thought. I worked with some famous-ish people long after realizing I didn’t like them as people, because I cared what others thought. Prestige. Status. It’s all horse pucky. Paul called them- these things the world has to offer us - garbage or dung. It makes me laugh now.
”But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ-the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith.” Philippians 3:7-9
I had filled a childhood wound in my heart with cancerous social justice ideology, mistaking it for sound philosophy on how to “be good” in the world. I tried to fill a God shaped hole with sawdust.
The girl on the left was a lot more arrogant than the girl on the right. She was also more fearful, more resentful, more prideful, and more uneasy. She wasn’t as comfortable in her skin. She was lost but trying to find her way.
The girl on the right has made many mistakes. She hated herself for a long time, but not anymore. She has a baseline level of joy and peace unknown to the girl on the left. She is more confident, but also more humble. Funny how those two things seem to exist in contrast.
I don’t have a diet or workout plan to sell you to be your better self. Just truth. Pursuit of truth. That’s it. Sometimes the darkness is necessary because it’s the only place you can find the light. I forget who said that. Pursue truth, pursue light, and walk through any fear you may have about what you might lose. It’s worth it. You are worth it.
This is so true. I find it hard to express the level of peace and happiness that have settled over my spirit that started with breaking away from the left (I was never too far left, but followed the popular culture generally) and has only grown deeper as I've begun my journey back to the church and Christ. God bless you, Keri. You are a light in the world.
Philippians 3 is such a strong rebuke of the woke identity politics. Only God is entitled to claim "I AM that I AM". Contrast that to the worship song by Hillsong with the title "I am who you say I am". I didn't fall along the path of woke, but its still a struggle for those of us "old timers" as well.
How can we know ourselves better than an omniscient God?
Blessings to you Keri.